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b2f50afe — Derek Sivers ArtistData is gone 5 months ago
                                                                                
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<div class="blogparent"><a href="/blog">Articles</a>:</div>
<h1>Meta-considerate</h1>
<small>2019-10-03</small>
  <audio src="https://m.sive.rs/sive.rs.metac.mp3" preload="none" controls="controls"></audio>
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<p>
	My friend has a huge crush on someone.
</p><p>
	He showers her with attention and appreciation.
	He remembers her preferences, and constantly gives her thoughtful gifts.
</p><p>
	He thinks he’s being considerate, but he’s actually being inconsiderate.
	Meta-inconsiderate.
</p><p>
	By holding her up on a pedestal — by making it clear that he looks up to her — he’s making her look down on him.
</p><p>
	People want a romantic partner that’s a “catch” — someone almost out of their league.
	We want a good deal.
	We want to win someone.
</p><p>
	By chasing her relentlessly, he’s denying her the pleasure of desire.
</p><p>
	He’s not letting her dance.
	Since he keeps pushing forward, there’s nowhere for her to go but backward.
	He’s not letting her come to him.
</p><p>
<strong>
	Being superficially considerate can be deeply inconsiderate.
</strong>
	Doing the opposite is often ultimately more considerate.
	I call it meta-considerate.
</p>
<h3>
	Meta-considerate by contrast:
</h3>
<p>
	It’s considerate to not bore my friends with my problems.
	But it’s meta-considerate to tell them my problems, to let them feel needed and helpful, to let them know they’re safe to do the same.
</p><p>
	It’s considerate to greet someone with a smile.
	But it’s meta-considerate to not smile until they’ve said something, so they can feel that smile was sincerely for them, not presented to just anyone.
</p><p>
	It’s considerate to tell a white lie.
	But it’s meta-considerate to tell the uncomfortable truth.
</p>
<h3>
	More meta-considerate examples:
</h3>
<ul><li>
	The jazz club hidden behind an unmarked door.
</li><li>
	The meticulous craftsman that has a 9-month waiting list because he custom-makes every order himself.
</li><li>
	Musicians like Miles Davis, Joni Mitchell, and Bob Dylan, that gave nothing but the music, and didn’t ask for your love.
</li><li>
	Being silent in conversation, to let your friend fill the space and share more.
</li></ul>
<p>
<strong>
	Our shallow wants and deeper needs are often <a href="/opposite">opposite</a>.
</strong>
</p>
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