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<h1><a href="/" title="Derek Sivers">Derek Sivers</a></h1>
<div class="blogparent">from the book “<a href="/n">Hell Yeah or No</a>”:</div>
<h1>Everything is my fault</h1>
<audio src="https://m.sive.rs/sive.rs.my-fault.mp3" preload="none" controls="controls"></audio>
I used to get mad at people.
They betrayed me.
Do you hear the pattern?
“They this. They that.”
When someone upsets you, it’s human nature to feel it’s their fault.
But one day I tried thinking of everything as my fault.
I created the environment that made them feel they had to lie.
I mistook their neutral behavior as betrayal.
I made it more appealing for them to disappear than to communicate.
It felt so good to think it was all my fault!
This is way better than forgiving.
When you forgive, you’re still assuming that they’re wrong and you’re the victim.
But to decide it’s your fault feels amazing!
Now you weren’t wronged.
People were just playing their part in the situation you helped create.
Now you’re the person who made things happen, made a mistake, and can learn from it.
Now you’re in control and there’s nothing to complain about.
This philosophy feels so good that I’ve playfully decided to apply this rule to the rest of my life.
As soon as I catch myself blaming anyone for anything, I decide it’s my fault.
The guy who ran away with my investment?
I should have verified his claims.
The love of my life who suddenly dumped me?
I let our relationship plateau.
Don’t like my government?
I could get involved and change it.
Doesn’t that feel more powerful?
Maybe instead of “fault” you prefer the word “responsibility,” but the idea is the same.
Think of every bad thing that happened to you, and imagine that you happened to it.
© 2012 <a href="https://sive.rs/">Derek Sivers</a>.
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